Friday, May 23, 2014

the post where i talk about feeling like a big (literally) failure

I hate that I am even writing this post, because it makes me feel like a total failure. But, well, here we go.. Once upon a time I was a freshman in college, and I gained a lot of weight because I was eating three full meals a day, drinking like a fish, and then eating my weight in Dominos pizza and cheesy bread. I remember coming home for the summer and literally only being able to fit into my sweatpants. I looked terrible. I felt terrible. It was just.. terrible.

at my highest weight
I lost is all during the summer but still wasn't happy with my body. I maintained that weight loss for a few years. Then I was hit with mono, knee surgery and having all four wisdom teeth extracted - all within a six month period. My weight was the lowest it'd been for me as an adult. I looked and felt fantastic. That was eight years ago and my weight has fluctuated ever since then. But, I've always, always been at least 15-20 pounds below my highest weight. Sure, I could have lost (more than) a few pounds. But, I'm active and I watch what I eat without depriving myself so it felt like a pretty even trade off.

feeling great at my lowest weight
I ran the NYC half at the end of March and after the race my mother pulled me aside with a very serious tone in her voice. She went on to tell me that I looked as though I'd gained a substantial amount of weight since Christmas. She commented that I work out so much that it must be what I'm eating. Honestly, her comments hurt my feelings. Not because I thought she was wrong, because I knew that I had gained a little happy weight since the start of my relationship. I have a very complicated history with my parents and food, and I didn't take kindly to the comments.

Yesterday, I weighed myself for the first time in a good, long while and.. it wasn't pretty. After once being down 35 pounds from my highest weight, I am less than 10 pounds under. It was the wake up call that was a long time in the making. I can't work out 5-6 days a week and eat whatever I want (even if it is mostly healthy foods). I've been snacking way too much, and indulging more than is necessary. Dessert should be a treat, not something that I have after lunch and dinner. More than that, my concept of portion control is totally out of whack. I hate feeling puffy and squeezing myself into some of my favorite outfits. It's not fun, and I want to be more comfortable in my skin once again. I also think it would help my running and climbing to drop a few (okay, more than a few) pounds.

I'm not looking to get back to my lowest weight, but close enough would make me feel good. I need to reset my relationship with food. I'm also battling feeling like a failure for letting myself (almost) get back to where I started after all of that hard work. Starting over seems like a daunting task, but I know that I don't want to look and feel like this anymore. Also, working out does not give me free rein to eat whatever and whenever I want. So, I'm here to say that I have recommitted to Weight Watchers, and I hope that you'll come along on that journey with me.

I know I'm not the only one who's ever regained the weight. How do you deal with feeling like a failure? How do your head back in the weight loss game? Discuss! 

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