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And here we go..
Just to preface this story, I’m really into sexual health. I’ve wandered around the hood handing out condoms (as part of a volunteer agency) in my spare time, worked on syringe exchange programs (that also distribute condoms and lube), performed condom demonstrations at a local shelter, contributed to blogs on reproductive health and justice….and currently I am employed at an organization that is working to advance sexual health, including a chlamydia coalition (yes, this really does exist). Needless to say, my life is swimming in condoms! At one point I literally had my “condoms in a big ass sack,” thank you Luda. (Just ask my roommate, who so graciously allows us to have a bowl of them sitting on our living room table.)
Fast forward to a few weeks ago, when my new “friend” once again comes over after a sloppy evening of gratuitous public making out at various bars. I met Matt playing adult kickball and have never seen him outside of his tie-dyed (self-cut) sleeveless muscle shirt and Viking hat. The entire situation has “disaster” written all over it, and it certainly didn’t take long.
Things are progressing along quite nicely, the muscle tee has been removed, and he mutters what every girl longs to hear while partaking in such a romantic encounter, “do you have a condom?” So what do I, the most awkward person alive, respond with?
“Yes, of course, this is what I do for a living!”
Matt, having absolutely no clue what I really do for a living, was slightly confused by this, tried to laugh it off, and gave a “whaaaat whaaaaaat?!,” while giving me those very endearing “are you a prostitute” bedroom eyes…. Upon realizing what I had said (and having absolutely no internal filter) I felt the need to semi explain, “no, no, not like that, I work for this chlamydia coalition….”
As soon as I saw the look of terror in his eyes, I once again realized the error of my ways…. Life lesson everyone, never say the word “chlamydia” while in bed with a man, no matter how relevant it seems to be at the time. I quickly tried to diffuse the situation, “No, Matt, I do not have, nor have I ever had, chlamydia. But clearly I have a problem with word vomit. Here’s a condom.” Things vastly improved from there, right up to the next morning’s walk of shame, goodbye kiss we had at the Metro, him still wearing that ridiculous tie-dyed kickball shirt.
However, in case you were wondering, I'm still single...and will probably be for a long long