Saturday, October 8, 2011

i just have a lot of feelings

I'm 43 days post-op. Where does the time go? No, seriously, how is it already October?

Right now I'm sore from a pretty active week - PT on tuesday, LUNA Chix run on Wednesday, Core Fusion and then kickball on Thursday and spinning on Friday. I'm grateful for being sore because it means that I'm healed enough to be active. Every day I get a little stronger, and that's an amazing feeling. But I can't shake the disappointment over how out of shape I am right now. I'm really unhappy with the way I look, and how difficult I find some activities that used to come so easily. I know that it's not something that I was entirely in control of - I just couldn't exercise at the level I was used to while I was injured. I can't help but feel as though I've let myself go.

I thought that as soon as I was cleared to run I'd be out there on the road every day to make up for months of being sidelined. I have run a few times, and it's been pretty great. But I'm slow. And I get out of breath quickly after a few miles. I have put so much blood, sweat, tears and toenails into my training over the last few years that I'm honestly overwhelmed at the prospect of starting from scratch. And if I'm being honest, I'm really scared. I'm scared that I'm going to keep injuring myself and that I'll be back on the operating table getting my knee scoped again.

I also feel incredibly stupid for still being so upset over all of this. In the grand scheme of things, this has been four months out of my life, and it's not as though I had some life-threatening injury. People get hurt all the time, and they have worse surgeries and recoveries than mine. I know that I'm being a huge baby, but I don't know how to get over this fear - the fear of getting hurt again or the fear of failing.  I just don't feel like a runner right now. I don't know what's wrong with me! My knee is fixed! I'm healed (or almost fully so)! So why do I still feel like a failure? I want to feel like this again:

Talk to me about your injuries. Did you have difficulties coming back - physically or emotionally? Please tell me that I'm not crazy for feeling like this. Or tell me that I'm a crazy bitch and that I should just shut up, put on my running sneakers, and get out there. Either one works.

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