Monday, July 25, 2011

i'd like some cheese with my whine

I went to a nutritionist today because my eating has been out of control. I've gained weight since being benched from running. My pants feel tight and I'm filled with more self-loathing than usual. Oh! I've acquired this awesome habit of eating my feelings. At the age of 27 I've become an emotional eater, something that is totally new to me, and I don't know how to handle it. Except to feel bad and just eat more. Really productive, right?

The nutritionist laid out a meal plan for me that's filled with whole grains, fruits, lean meats - seems pretty logical to me, right? She kept asking me questions to get down to the root of where my recent food issues are coming from. And of course, I ended up crying. Just like I cried last week when I went to my new primary care doctor. Oh, and pretty similar to how I cried when I went to the orthopedist. Both times. I think I've finally put my finger on it - I'm lonely. I'm off of my routine. So much of my life has revolved around training for races, running races, talking about races. I hate sitting with my friends and listening to them all talk about their grand training programs. Not because I don't want them to succeed, but because I'm so sad that I can't be doing the same thing. I feel isolated. And I understand that this is all coming from me - none of my friends have told me that they don't want to hang out with me because I can't go running, but I still feel so sad.

I'm also discouraged because the pain isn't better. My physical therapist tells me that she thinks I'm making progress but I don't feel it. I think I've had maybe two relatively pain free days since the end of May. Yes, I can do things like yoga and Core Fusion, but I ache for days afterwards. I'm physically, emotionally and financially tapped from doctors appointments, acupuncture and shoe inserts, and everything else that I've been doing. I just want to feel like myself again and to let go of this whining, little bitch of a person who complains all day, every day.

So there you go. I'm eating because I'm sad and lonely. First world problems, I know.

I'm thinking of getting this tattooed on my face so when I look in the mirror I shut the hell up:

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