Saturday, October 9, 2010

running & self-doubt

I am running my fifth half marathon in less than 12 hours.

And I'm nervous.

Really nervous.

I sort of want to puke

But maybe that's from eating half a loaf of garlic bread and pasta with homemade meat sauce? (Which was deeeelicious and worth every. glorious. calorie.)

I don't know why I'm so nervous for this race. It probably has to do with the nasty chest cold that I came down with and was fighting all week. I think that most of it involves me doubting myself. Doubting my abilities as a runner. I'd like to think that it's just about finishing the race, but I'd be lying through my teeth if I said I didn't have a time in mind. Whether that's realistic for where I am (physically) right now? That I do not know. I do know that DAMNIT I want to PR. I want to beat my first half marathon time, and I'm starting to worry that maybe I'm not motivated enough to do it. That maybe, somehow, my body is comfortable enough just completing the half marathon. That maybe I don't have the drive to push myself in a race to beat my fastest time.

But, tomorrow will be a beautiful, crisp New England fall day, and I am going to try to enjoy every second of it. If not every moment, then at least I'll try not to cry when I cross the finish line (not that I did that after my last half marathon.. nope). Now is not the time to doubt myself, or my training. I can run the miles, that much I know. I'm hoping that somewhere along the way I can find my groove and just.. run.

Taken on 11.2.10
Hard to believe that this picture was taken after running almost 10 miles!


Monica said...

I can't even begin to imagine all of the thoughts that run (no pun intended, honestly...) through your mind before you do ANY kind of race, so props to you for just being able to do it (again!)!

I'm sure that even if you don't reach your time that you have in mind for yourself, when you sit down and really think about it you're going to be proud of yourself, for various reasons. And if you're not, then I'll shower you with love until you can't help but be proud. Hell, even if you're proud of yourself for scarfing all that yummy pasta, you'll be proud of something after I'm through with you!

Okay, I'm rambling sooooo...GOOD LUCK!

Every Little Thing said...

PR or no PR, you did awesome and should be incredibly proud!

Unknown said...

Monica - thank you, thank you, thank you for writing such a sweet and thoughtful comment. and i did enjoy the pun ;) i really do appreciate your positivity, and i'm hoping it will eventually start rubbing off on me

Thang (I think i'm going to start calling you that, ha) - you're totally right. completing a race, of any distance, is an accomplishment!