Tuesday, October 26, 2010

must have the precious

I have dated a lot self-involved douchemonkeys (I just made that up, you like?). I am also fly paper for emotionally stunted men. I decided to rejoin Match.com recently, on a lark, to maybe meet some new and interesting people. I think I may have been drunk, this is what happens when you have your credit card and security code memorized, but I digress..

Within the first couple of hours of signing up, I was chatting with a guy. For the sake of this blog entry, let's call him Texas. He seemed nice enough so we exchanged Facebook information (oh, you know kids these days...) and phone numbers. We chatted a lot during the week and in my head I'm thinking, "Wow, here's a guy who's upfront about liking me. He tells me that I'm beautiful and how excited he is to meet me.. This could be good!" It could have been good, that is.. until I met Texas in person.

My level of discomfort was immediately off the charts. And let me tell you, it takes a LOT to make me feel awkward. Texas started holding my hand, telling me how beautiful I was, and once he even hugged me and kissed me on the top of the head. Whoa, whoa whoaaa there buddy, we just met in real life an hour ago, want to slow your roll a bit? At one point he mentioned that he wanted to join the army and fly helicopters. My reaction was "Oh, cool." because, who the hell really cares? Little did I know that I would get a quiz later while driving back to my car. Texas asked me what I thought, about the army because, you know, some people don't like that, and if we started dating would it be a problem? My response was simple and that I thought he was putting the horse before the cart (aka he was getting a little ahead of himself). He laughed it off and said that he was a "take it as it comes" sort of guy and I chuckled because that's like saying I'm shy. Basically, bullshit.

When I got back to my car he told me again how beautiful I was (nice, but..), that he'd like to keep me around for a while (tied up in his basement perhaps?) and asked if he was second date worthy. I was all, "uhh yeahh suure, we'll see each other soon! TOTALLY!" Texas asked that I text him when I got home, since I live about 40 minutes away, which I thought was nice. He didn't want me to end up dead on the side of the road. Probably so he could stroke me, Gollum style..

Sorry, I really like Lord of the Rings, I'm geeky like that. Anyway, back to the story.. I did text him when I got home. What I got over the next two days was three texts, two calls and one voicemail. None of which received a response from me. Maybe that makes me a bitch. Honestly, he came on so strong that none of it seemed sincere. I know that I'm awesome (and modest) but how can he genuinely like me that much after only just meeting me? It felt forced.

I could only ignore him for so long, so I did what any self-respecting 26 year old would do -- I let him down via Facebook message. Now, before you jump all over me, we went on ONE date, and I honestly didn't think I really owed him that much of an explanation. If I'd had his email address, I would have sent the message to that. His response was bitter and sort of funny (to me). And then he unfriended me. Maturity at its finest!

What I'm learning here is that I do not want a man who will fawn over me all the time. I used to think that I did, but really it just makes me uncomfortable and gives me the feeling that I'm going to vomit. There's a huge difference between getting to know someone and stalking them. A very fiiiine line, my friends.


Dori said...

At least Texas made for a good story! What did his email back to you say??

Unknown said...

I emailed him saying that he was a bit intense and that i didn't want to date someone who lived 30 miles away (which is true). his response was that facebook was a "cheap" way of letting him know and that i at least could have called him on the phone. he also said that he didn't think the distance was that big of a deal but apparently it was to me. and then he ended with "bye" and then unfriended me ha.

AuntBT said...

I would say it was definitely a good choice to cut the strings with him! I would have done the same thing. I'm not a fan of guys fawning all over me, and being all touchy feely . . . especially on a first date! That's like about to head to the bedroom behavior.

Anonymous said...

Ahhhhh ...all I kept thinking while reading this was "runnnnnn." This is the type of person that leads to domestic abuse and mega creepiness. good thing you were out before it started!!

dogimo said...

Well, J., I admit I'm kind of conflicted on this one. On the one hand, I know for a fact that if I ever met you I would totally kiss you on the top of the head. I know it. I want to be clear I don't kiss anybody on the top of the head!

But on the otherhand, I LOVE "douchemonkey."

So, not really sure what the conflict is, actually.

Monica said...

This is why I am terrified of dating! I would not have been able to bite my tongue with someone like that. I would've just ended up being a heinous bitch, haha.

But I must admit, I love the way you tell stories, especially ones like this.

Better luck next time? And if the online dating stuff doesn't work out for you, I can always move in and keep you company. :]

Unknown said...

BT - being complimentary is one thing, being over the top and ridiculous is another!

crossing - yea, my creep-meter was past the max for most of the date.

joe - well, if YOU wanted to kiss me on the top of the head, it would be a totally different story. and i'm glad you enjoyed my creation of "douchemonkey".

monica - i do think he was harmless just so ridiculously over the top and trying so hard to force this connection. but, hey, at least it made for a good blog post.

YES please come to boston. we'll eat popsicles and make brownies ;)

Amy said...

Dear God. Was this man's name Brett? Cuz I'm pretty sure I dated this guy 2 years ago. Except exchange 'navy' for 'army' and it's the same exact guy...