Saturday, August 7, 2010

emotionally unavailable

My name is J. and I'm flypaper for emotionally unavailable men.

There, I said it.

Is it because I try to see the best in people? Or maybe it's because I'm naive? Possibly because I settle for less than I deserve? Maybe a combination of the three?  I'm beginning to think that it's not THEM, that it's ME. Maybe certain guys are attracted to me, but I think it's me. I let myself fall for guys that deep down, I know don't want/can't handle a relationship. I'm also the type of person who goes ALL IN, and I'm willing to work through problems. insecurities, issues, etc. I guess this wouldn't be a problem if the guys I dated had a similar attitude but this generally isn't the case.

As much as I am supportive and forgiving to the point of being a doormat - even I have my limit. And let me tell you, once I go there it's almost impossible to go back. Case in point my first ever breakup (I wrote briefly about it here):  He, a freshman in college. Me, a lowly high school senior. One year anniversary. Boyfriend forgot about said anniversary. Six hours later broke up with me over the phone. Instead of turning into a blubbering mess, I got angry. And yelled. A lot. I told him that he just wanted to have drunken sex and for him not to come crawling back to me once he'd contracted a series of STDs. Oh, but it didn't stop there. I then proceeded to go upstairs, take a mix cd he'd made me and bashed it into a million pieces with my desk chair. I can honestly say that after almost 10 years, I no longer feel the need to punch him in the face.

Ok, so now that we've established that I'm a bit of a crazy bitch, I swear I had a point..

Once i reach my breaking point, my way of coping is to just.. cut the person out. No sappy emails, no depressing texts - no communication. And it's not always easy, but I believe that strength is a "fake it 'till you make it" sort of thing. If I act it, it will eventually become a reality. This is sometimes construed as me hating my exes - and let me make something clear - I do NOT hate any of them. There are some that I am less than fond of and those feelings are very deserved. I suppose I don't see the point in wasting my time and energy on someone who no longer matters in my life.

And that, my friends, is that. 


5 comments:

LA Idiot said...

I am that emotionally unavailable guy. I've been told by friends and family not to date right now in my life.

j. said...

well if you lived in boston, chances are i'd find you and would end up dating you. i'm like a heat seeking missile.

LA Idiot said...

Well, if you had a boyfriend, I probably would ask you out...so I know what you mean by always being attracted to the wrong people.

j. said...

ahh we'd be a perfect pair, you and i! haha

Princess Malphaba said...

I'm totally the same way. Maybe I need to read that book. It's just, in my experience, the single ones are way too desperate and clingy. Why can't there just be a happy medium?