Tuesday, July 6, 2010

bridesmaid: the saga

So, it hit 100 degrees here in Boston today and for the first time ever I'm thrilled that my office is at a temperature that would only be acceptable for meat lockers. My apartment doesn't have central air, but I've been surviving by stripping down as soon as I enter into the apartment, keeping on the ceiling fans, and sitting directly in front of my tiny AC unit. Thankfully I've made a new friend who has central air and lives close by - GODSEND I tell you.

Let's talk about my epic bridesmaid dress saga, shall we?

I ordered my dress months ago. I told the employee, whom I'm sure would tie for the biggest bitch and biggest moron awards, my measurements and she not-so-politely let me know that I'd fit perfectly into a size 14. I'm sorry, what? Surely she meant a size 4, or something. Nope, a size 14, and she made sure to let me know that I was lucky that it wasn't one size up because then I'd have to pay more for the extra material. Listen, there's nothing wrong with being a size 14, but I'm 5'3" and NOT that size. For the record, this is moi:


Right, so after she took my dignity and my credit number she assured me that my dress would "need, like, hardly any decorations". Man, she was, like, totally well spoken. A few months later my mom goes to pick up the dress for me (it was shipped to the store on Long Island) and she calls me to let me know that it may be "a smidge big". What's a smidge, you ask? My mother described it by saying that "It'd fit perfectly.. if you were a size 38G" I was able to take the dress off without unzipping it and I think I could have put a few bowling balls in the boob area. Since I'm pretty sure that my best friend wanted me to wear it to the wedding and not use it as a tent for the reception, I had to find a seamstress.

Since everyone in my office is married or engaged, I was smart enough to ask for recommendations and was urged to go to a particular tailor on Newbury Street. I walk in for my appointment and she immediately shoves me in a room and directs me to put on the dress. I do so, walk out and she goes to work at pinning the massive amounts of extra fabric of the dress. I'm doing my best not to move very much because I don't want to annoy her and at one point she looks up at me and says, in her Russian accent:

"Hips are larger than standard. That's why dee dress ees this size. Good for babies, not dees dress"

Oh... awesome. Losing six inches of fabric and my will to live. Fantastic deal, if you ask me. What do you respond to that? I'd love to know, because all I could manage was an awkward giggle. This did not please the Soviet, and she clicked her tongue at me to let me know of how she was feeling. After she's pinned me to death she takes a step back, looks me up and down and says:

"Boobs ees low. You need a bra. Always."

In my desperate attempt to please this insane woman I scramble to get on the strapless bra that I'd brought with me. Once I'm done, she once again steps back, looks at me and says:

"Still not great, but ees better"

So what did I do? I took my larger than standard hips, my offensively low boobs, and paid her (in cash and self-esteem). All I have to say is that I hope my dress turns out spec-freakin-tacular.

Does this sort of stuff happen to ANYONE else? Or am I the only one who is ridiculed by the universe on a daily basis? Yea.. I figured..

11 comments:

Michelle said...

HAHA do you read Date Girl? She has a sort-of similar experience. They tried to make my mum wear a 16 and hello, now she's a 12! Suck on that. I think they really do charge you for the extra fabric.

j. said...

i do read her blog! i'm generally a 4-8 depending on the cut of the dress so i was pretty sure a size 14 wouldn't work but noooo, bitchy sales-woman insisted!

enjoyliving said...

awww!! Yes my tailor is brutally honest as well. I took in a dress to have shortened and she goes 'Hmmm. Yes dis not good for your hip' Um yes, that's why I'm coming to you to have it shortened??? I cannot help my hips! Lemme alone.

j. said...

i'm glad that i'm not the only one whose tailor is utterly disappointed with my stature/proportions/body in general.

AtlYankeeBelle said...

wow - that makes me laugh. but wide hips are actualy a really good thing. according to the science of sex (yes I have no life) bigger hips attract males. :)
cant wait to see photos of the dress :)

Ashley said...

Oh man! you are too funny...id like to know what size that lady would put me in a 28? lol I bet it looks great on you now!

Brittany said...

They always do weird size things for those kinds of dresses, but that's ridiculous!

Hopefully the tailor makes the dress fabulous, and the abuse wasn't for nothing.

j. said...

belle - i'm a nerd too, i have a book in my collection called "the mathematics of sex". but that's good to know about the dress. i'll for sure post pics from the wedding :)

ashley - i will know on wednesday what the finished product is, i hope it's good!

brittany - i will gladly accept the verbal beatings if she makes the dress fit, so hopefully it was worth it!

dogimo said...

Foreign-accented seamstresses are in league with plastic surgeons.

"Oh yut, you got too much material in hips. We kint do antytink about it but et leezt tis dress fixt." Then you leave the place and there's a suspicious business card that falls out later: "Dr. Snippincut, Discreet Surgeon. Extra Hip Material a Specialty."

dogimo said...

On an unrelated note, please don't be offended by how much of a smoking hot FOX you are in that picture!

It's no use getting offended anyway about something like that. Whose fault is it really?

j. said...

joe - it wouldn't surprise me if i got a call from a surgeon saying "i hear you have some larger than standard hips.. wanna have that taken care of??"

oh, and i promise not to ever get offended by being called a smoking hot fox! ;)