Thursday, June 10, 2010

masturbation, yep.

There's a huge difference between my mom and my aunt. My mom, the mean older sister, once left my aunt at a bowling alley with no money and made her walk four miles home in the pouring rain. Another time she locked her in a trunk until she cried and almost passed out. My aunt is the sensitive, talk-about-your-feelings type of person and my mom is the let's-eat-dinner-in-front-of-the-television gal. As a really obnoxious teenager, that worked out perfectly for me. My mom didn't ask me to talk about my feelings, and in return I only picked fights with her forty two times a day. But my aunt.. she  would ask us how we were feeling about things, if we were okay, if we were upset and dude, that's not how my family works! When we're pissed, we yell at each other, sometimes I end up crying in the bathtub about how I'm going to run away, but at the end of the day we make up and go on with our lives.

So imagine this scene - I'm 17 years old, in my first relationship. Going out to dinner with my aunt. Conversation goes something like this:

Me:     Where should we eat?
Aunt:  Are you a virgin?
Me:     Am I -- what? Uhh.. WHAT?
Aunt:  Have you had... intercourse with your boyfriend?
Me:     Ah.. uh.. (panicking) No. Of course not (lies)
Aunt:  Are you sure?
Me:     Um.. yes, I'm sure. I'm waiting.. (more lies)
Aunt:  Because there's nothing wrong with having those.. urges
Me:     I don't have urges.. (lying through my teeth) I don't know what you mean
Aunt:  It's normal at your age to want to.. experiment
Me:     No.. no experimenting here. Virgin. Hungry. My God, are we there yet?
Aunt:  And the only way to really protect yourself.. to be TOTALLY safe is if you...
Me:     KILL ME
Aunt:  What? No.. the only way to ensure that you're disease free is..
Me:     Oh.. don't say it.. Please don't..

At this point my memory gets a little fuzzy. Maybe because I'm getting old and my memory is going to shit. Maybe because what followed was so totally traumatizing that I actually blacked out. I do remember my aunt saying something about exploring my feelings and pleasuring myself, and oh GOD did I just write that? I can't believe she actually said that to me.

Can we also discuss how disgustingly apropos it was that she took me to a SUSHI restaurant? I walked back into my house and my mother was waiting on the couch. Clearly I had been bamboozled by the women in my family. I was so disturbed and so pissed that I didn't talk to either of them for a good two weeks after "the incident".


Dori said...


My mom likes to grill me when we are in the car on the highway and she knows I can't escape. Then she starts asking me lots of questions about sex. I want to open the door and attempt to roll but the Long Island Expressway is a scary, scary place.

The night before I started grad school she took me out for cheeseburgers. After yelling at me when I tried to get a chicken sandwich and insisting I get a cheeseburger, she then told me that a good cheeseburger is the best thing ever, second only to amazing, mind blowing sex. Then she looked at me and said that I obviously haven't had that kind of mind blowing sex yet. Only regular sex.

Unknown said...

hahahaha only regular sex. that's amazing. i think our moms would get along well. scarily well.

Jessica said...

Girl, you and your family trip me out! So effin funny!

Unknown said...

my family is one of a kind, that's for damn sure.

dogimo said...

What the hell. You mean it was a setup? Your mom had your aunt take you out for that purpose?


Was the "birds and the bees" on the way to Chuck E. Cheese?

Unknown said...

my mom couldn't talk to us about sex so she waited until i was 17 and then forced my aunt to do it. worst. plan. ever.