Monday, May 3, 2010

never a dull moment

I think that my mother is a hoarder.

I'm only half kidding.

She keeps EVERYTHING. There's just a ton of stuff all over the house - and most of it is an organized chaos. I am very much like my mother, in many ways, but specifically - we're space eaters. If there is a free corner, we'll find something to shove in it. If there's a free wall, we'll find ten pictures to hang on it. My old room? You can barely see the floor because of all of the laundry and seasonal decorations that are lining the floor. She turned my old armoire into a purse closet (actually I wish I had a closet for my bags, so I'm totally jealous).

I was home last weekend and she commented that she not only keeps every card she's ever received, but she keeps the ENVELOPES as well. When I called her out for being absurd her indignant response was "BUT THEY'RE OF SENTIMENTAL VALUE.. it's not just.. STUFF" I told her that every hoarder thinks that their STUFF is worth something. While watching Hoarders on A&E I watched a guy sob as they threw out a decade's worth of soda cans and bottles. Maybe I should do a test to see if my mother would ugly cry if I tried to throw out the calendars from the years 2000-2009 that she can't seem to get rid of. I think I just a reason to take another visit back to Queens soon..

So yesterday I woke up from a nap and went to go to the bathroom. What happened? I kicked a tupperware container full of ceramic figurines. Who even has enough of those to fill a container of that size? AND WHY WAS IT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HALLWAY? I slammed into it and cursed a good ten times. I yelled to my mother that the house is like a god damned obstacle course. I then went downstairs to finish doing laundry. I decided to wash the clothing that I was wearing so I am standing butt naked in the middle of my laundry room. And while I'm there, I'm all like, "well, might as well go to the bathroom while I'm down here." I take two steps out of the laundry room, trip on a jewelry stand and BAM! I'm on the floor. Yelling. And naked.

My parents hear me crash to the ground and I hear it... their foot steps as they rush down the stairs. And the entire time I'm yelling "I'M FINE. DON'T COME DOWNSTAIRS. DAD DO NOT COME DOWNSTAIRS." I would actually rather chew broken glass than have my dad see my without any clothing on. Somehow my parents can't hear me and I am literally crawling on my hands and knees and make it to the bathroom just as my mom and dad round the corner.

So I bruised my foot, my parents almost saw me naked and to add insult to injury - I sat down to eat lunch and snapped the bar stool in half. What can I say.. it was just one of those days

Exhibit A:

6 comments:

miss katie said...

i was listening to the radio last week and they had people call in talking about the "weird" habits they have. you know, usually other people share your "weird" habits but you just don't know that.

well one lady calls in and says that when she is doing laundry and she has to go tee-tee, she doesn't want to walk across the house, so she just bunches all the dirty towels together and PEES on them and then just goes ahead and tosses 'em in the wash -- with extra hot water of course.

for some reason thats where i thought this story was going as i was reading and i was about to say "HOLY SHIT SOMEONE EVEN SHARES THAT WEIRD QUALITY? WTF IS WRONG WITH THIS WORLD?!"

in summary, i am sorry your parents almost saw you naked but thank you for not peeing on the dirty clothes before washing them.

j. said...

haha oh my god katie - i laughed out loud for a solid five minutes for this. i'm highly amused that you thought i would actually pee on a towel before washing it and pretty disgusted that there is not only someone in the world who would do that, but that she actually ADMITTED it on the radio.

in short - you're welcome. and i'm sorry my parents almost saw me naked too, but thank god they didnt.

Charlotte said...

LMAO!!!! Sorry, I don't mean to laugh at having a close-naked-encounter with your parents because how embarrassing! but this entire post had me in stitches. Based on your description of hoarders, I'm now worried about my parents who also hang something on every empty space in their house. My mom also thinks it's appropriate to hang Halloween decorations up all year but that's neither here nor there.

Very funny stuff :o)

dogimo said...

But...but...calendars from previous years all have things written on them, that memorialize all the things you did on those days! How can you throw them out?

I think "Naked Laundry Stories" would be a good name for an anthology or something.

dogimo said...

Kidding about the calendars.

j. said...

charlotte - feel free to laugh, it makes the trauma of my family that much easier to deal with :) and ruh-roh, you may have a hoarder mom on your hands!!

joe - one day you're going to be at the book store and you're going to see the naked laundry stories right there on the shelf. mark my words.