Monday, April 5, 2010

i love my crazy family

Hooooly crap, my family is hilarious, crazy and so so disturbing. I was able to treat my twitter friends to a play-by-play of the insanity that was my Easter, and I'll try my best to recount the most memorable moments for all of you:
  •  My mom was being an uptight crazypants, so we all urged her to get drunk-ish off of really, REALLY bad white wine that was left over from CHRISTMAS. She kept taking her glass around to everyone and yelling "IS THIS OKAY TO DRINK? IS IT VINEGAR? CAN I DRINK IT?" Hey ma, whatever works
  • My aunt looked in the fridge and said "I don't see horseradish but I do see some Preparation H and without skipping a beat I said "Oh, is that to help with the stick up mom's ass?". Everyone laughed, except you know who. I looked over to see a pair of scowling eyes above a wine goblet. 
  • No one wanted to be around Skeletor/Audzilla/Audrey the Dog-faced woman so we literally had to do rock paper scissors to decide who would spend the next 15 minutes in the living room with her and my poppy. OH, and they wore their sunglasses in the house for most of the meal.
  • My mom asked what a limited profile on Facebook was and I said "it's what I put you on after you called me a lesbian". This has now given me the lovable nickname of "Lesbo" from my younger cousin. Sweet. 
  • And THEN my aunt got a splinter and my mom, wine goblet in hand, tried to extract it from her finger with a KNIFE. Once I wrangled that away from her I spent the next 20 minutes with a tweezer and my face thisclose to her finger but I failed. And my aunt made sure to let me know that I was an awful, no-good splinter-puller-outer.
  • We didn't do a traditional Easter meal - instead opting for a family BBQ. This resulted in my mother eating half a rack of ribs, a side of beef and three hot dogs. And then came the meat sweats. Her sweat actually dripped off of the tip of her nose onto the table. Hot, right?
  • Then I had the pleasure of watching my aunt and slightly racist poppy get into a huge debate over healthcare/Obama. He actually said the words "WE NEED ANOTHER MAN LIKE REAGAN IN THE WHITE HOUSE" and I think my aunt was one step away from stabbing herself in the neck with the splinter remover tweezers. 
  • My mom and aunt started play arguing and my mom yells "YOU NEVER GOT OVER ME NURSING YOUR SON". Um.. what? I'm sorry, what? Backstory - my younger brother and cousin are really close in age so they were nursing at the same time. My aunt bet my mother that my cousin wouldn't nurse from her and.. well that's already more of the story than you need to know.
So if you ever read my blog and question why I am the way I am? Please, just re-read this post again and then it will aaaalll make sense. 


Anonymous said...

I think I'm about to cry I'm laughing so hard. My family isn't nearly this entertaining!

j. said...

by entertaining you mean emotionally and psychologically disturbed, right? ;)

dogimo said...

Wow, is that "play arguing"?

j. said...

in my crazy, loud, italian family - yes, indeed it is.