Thursday, February 4, 2010

bad naked

"So she coughed."
"Coughing? Naked? It's a turn-off, man."
"Everything goes with naked."
"When you cough there are thousands of unseen muscles that suddenly spring into action. It's like watching that fat guy catch a cannonball in his stomach in slow motion."
"You spoiled spoiled man. You know how much mental energy I expend just trying to picture women naked?"
"But the thing you don't realize is that there's good naked and bad naked. Naked hair brushing - good. Naked crouching - bad."

- George and Jerry, in "The Apology"
In my 29 days as a guest member at Boston Sports Club, I've noticed something: SWEET LORD THERE IS TOO MUCH NAKED. There is a serious lack of modesty in the woman's locker room.

There's nothing wrong with being naked, or the female body (well, most of them). I personally like to air dry after a shower and I think you all know that I hate wearing pants. But I make sure to do all of that in the privacy of my own home. I definitely don't expect people to hide in a locker while changing out of their workout clothing. However, I do have an issue with women walking around totally naked, or having conversations while sitting on a bench, legs WIDE OPEN. I walked into the locker room on Monday and a woman was stretching. Naked. On the floor. That's what we call BAD NAKED.

I think if you did a very scientific study of gym-goers, you would find that the more money one pays for their membership, the more likely they are to walk around buck naked without a care in the world. Maybe the members of Boston Sports Club feel entitled and think "Hell, I pay 70 dollars a month to go here, I don't care if I put my lady-bits on display for all of you to see!"

For all of you men (all three or so of you who read regularly) out there, I'm sure you're thinking that there's no such thing as bad naked. But I assure you, THERE IS, and I've seen witnessed it. Way too many times over the last month. I have a pass to Healthworks and I have to admit that I'm really, really scared. Why? Because it's an all-female gym and I fear for the amount of naked that I'm going to encounter over the next three or so weeks.


Tanie said...

Last time I was at the gym this naked-ass woman was standing with her back facing the locker room door and she bent over like she was touching her toes to put lotion on her legs. PICTURE IT. You walk into the locker room and what's the first thing you see?

Unknown said...

ugh i just vomited in my mouth a little bit. what is it about locker rooms that cause women to totally shed their inhibitions? i don't need to see that much of these people.

Elliott said...

Many years ago, when I was a gym regular, friends would tell me about the womens' locker room. In particular, about women bringing their no longer 100% dependent kids into the locker room. They need a few 12-year-old boys to weed out the casually naked.

Unknown said...

elliott - if i were to walk in and see a 9 year old boy just kickin' it in the woman's locker room, that would likely be the last straw for me. i cringe at the thought.

Charlotte said...

I actually had a very similar experience the other day after a Bikram yoga class (the one where they turn the heat to 105 degrees). The class is finished, I have sweat in every crevice imagineable but it's the city and there are about 40 people on line for the showers. So f that. I decide instead to put a clean pair of sweatpants over my shorts but there's a woman (I imagine, all I saw was a large white a**) and she's standing RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY CUBBY HOLE. I wait a few moments to see if she'll possibly move, but she doesn't, so with eyes averted I ask if she'll politely reach around (hee) and grab my bag. She turns around to acknowledge me and I'm assaulted by vajayjay.


It's great (I guess) that she's so comfortable in her own skin, but why must we all be witness to it?

Thanks for the blog, I love coming back to read your stories!

Julia L. said...

I know some of you must have seen Modern Family this week, right? It's just unbelievably apropos here (unfortunately?). Let's just say, there's one thing seeing bad naked (shudddder) and it's a whole nother thing running into it. Ref: moon landing. Hilarious, worth Hulu-ing just that episode. So poignant. So true, Jess.

dogimo said...

Well, I'm an artist, so I've not only seen some of the worst naked their is, I've had to sketch it in charcoals and be graded on my performance!

I've learned to see the beauty in all naked. Either that, or I've gone blind, but with a pretty accurate imagination that gets me around in the world OK while screening out the bad naked.

Unknown said...

charlotte - i just shuddered while reading your comment. no on needs to be assaulted by vajayjay in the woman's locker room!

julia - totally watched that episode and the moon landing bit was so apropos.

joe - i always laugh while reading your comments. my thinking, though, is that you've gone blind. it's probably for the best, that way you dont have to see all of the bad naked out there in the world.