Monday, January 11, 2010

i need to be put inside a bubble

I'm a huge clutz. I fall on the steps all the time. And not even down; I fall UP the steps on a regular basis. Once I was leaning over a fence to pet my neighbor's dog and I slipped and split open my chin. I almost had to go to the hospital because I sliced my hand open on a tuna fish can. I tore my ACL while playing baseball with my eight year old campers back in 2005. I think you probably get the point...

So it wasn't all that surprising when, last week, I managed to slam my finger in a drawer. It split my nail so, like a jackass I pull on it. And with it comes half of my nail. And a lot of blood. Much cursing and throwing myself around the room while yelping in pain ensues. Very mature, I know. A normal person would use a band-aid. But clearly I am not normal, and I am also very lazy. So I decide to wrap a paper towel around it until the bleeding has stopped. I went outside shortly after to warm up my car so I could go to the gym. I proceed to fall in the snow because I was lazy and didn't shovel the walkway and when I get to my car my clicker isn't working? Weird. I think that maybe the battery is dead. Welcome to my life.

I walk up to the car and place my ear against the door and realize that the battery isn't dead -- the locks are frozen. So I try to use my key aaaand that's not working. Go to the passenger side aaaand that's not working either. Then I remember that an ex of mine once bought me de-icer. Actually other than a few months of anxiety and some peppermint schnapps, that's about the only thing he ever got me. Right, anyway, back to the de-icer. Luckily the lock on my trunk is not frozen so I'm able to fish it out of there.

I finally manage to get in through the passenger side door and then crawl over the gear shift and into the driver's seat. I try the unlock button and nada. I try to pull up the lock on the door and again, nada. Then I get a brilliant idea - spray the de-icer on the lock to loosen it up. But I'm a moron and had looked at where the sprayer-thingy (yea, that's the actual terminology, in case you were wondering) was pointed. I manage to get de-icer all over my sweatshirt and of course right into my unband-aided finger.

I wish I could explain the pain of when de-icer mixes with an open wound. Let's just say that many, maaaanny profanities were present. I yelled curse words that I didn't even think that I knew. You would think that I'd have learned my lesson and would cover cuts. But nope. Yesterday I was trying to open a packet of Crystal Light Raspberry Iced Tea (aka the most delicious beverage EVER) and I had the smart idea to use a knife. Does it surprise you when I say that I now have a huge gash on my finger? Also, would it surprise you if I were to say that I managed to get hair gel DIRECTLY on the open wound this morning?

One day I will wake up and not do stupid things.

Unfortunately that day is not today.

Let's be honest, it's likely not tomorrow either.

7 comments:

Elizabeth said...

I clenched my teeth together about 6 times reading this, LOL! You're worse than me! Actually, we're about the same but I break inanimate objects and you break, well, yourself.

j. said...

I think that i'd rather break inanimate objects than myself. although i'd have to say that our anger levels are about equal in our situations haha

Michelle said...

Yeah I whimpered and closed my eyes a little reading this too haha...OUCH!

dogimo said...

Sometimes it seems like the physical world is against you.

Monica said...

oh jes. i'll be ordering your bubble asap haha
i love you, and i'm glad you can at least laugh at yourself. well maybe not laugh, but find the humor in it.
one day we will get drunk and laugh about this

Courtney said...

Once I was standing by my car, door open, saying goodbye to family. Had to sneeze and turned so as to not sneeze on them. Somehow managed to slam my head on the pointy corner of the door. Huge dent, huge bruise, and probably slightly concussed. So embarrassing. Glad I am not alone in the clumsiness! The fingernail thing sounds horrible!

j. said...

haha apologies michelle, i didn't mean to make you whimper!!

joe - wow, i've never heard anyone sum it up so perfectly. i think that you're right. =/

monica - can the bubble be purple? i'd like to at least try to be fashionable. if i wasn't able to find humor in my life then i really don't know how i would have ever made it this far. and i really like the idea of getting drunk/laughing about the absurdity that is my daily life.

courtney - OW OW OW. that sounds so painful and so much like something i would or have done to myself!!