Tuesday, December 22, 2009

i love a good pregame

There's really no need for me to write anything to introduce today's guest blog. Yet another hilarious story from Jacky. I think that I should have my own label devoted to her and her fantastic, drunk self. Here goes:

It was about this time last year that I met Tom. Tom was a dairy economist from North Dakata…aka the whitest white boy alive. After meeting, we exchanged the obligatory texts and phone calls for a few days, and then he asked if he could take me out to dinner. However, I had plans already- a power hour with my roommates. So, what do I tell Tom, “well, I can’t make it to dinner, but you should come over and power hour it with us!”

Yes, we are (many) years out of college and are still spending our weekends doing power hours…and yes, I turn down actual dates in order to take a shot of cheap beer every minute. Probably because this is new and he doesn’t yet realize what a night of drinking with me and friends entails, Tom actually comes to our house, located in the hood in NE DC. For those unfamiliar with this area, all we have within a one mile radius of our house is fast food restaurants, liquor stores, and “Chinese” places that sell anything from blunts to Rap Snacks all from behind very stylish bullet proof glass.

Tom comes over to find me, my roommates, and our neighbors about two drinks into our binge drinking plans. Then another one of our neighbors comes by…this time with Bruce. Bruce is not quite all there in the head, and homeless, but he’s a very nice guy, and totally harmless. However, when Bruce’s girlfriend came by a few moments later….things definitely started to get interesting. Nikki (the girlfriend) walks into the house, nearly twice our (and Bruce’s) age with nipples nearly poking out of the bottom of her shirt- her bra-less state is so obvious that she actually apologizes to us.

Next thing you know, she is humping the floor, grinding with our friends (me) in the middle of the living room floor in a little impromptu dance party, showing off her nifty house-arrest ankle bracelet, and bitching about all these damn white people. She then started to get louder and louder, ranting about having lost her keys and violating her parole. It was definitely time to go. Eventually, we coerced Nikki out the door, where you could hear her and Bruce arguing (brawling) all the way down the street. It really was quite a show and, once we were in the clear, I could not stop laughing. Tom, on the other hand, was completely horrified by the entire experience…

Surprisingly, after that whole debacle of an evening, Tom and I continued to talk and hang out. Although, the dinner invites and more respectable plan suggestions definitely became fewer and farther between. Then late one Friday night about a month later, I convinced Tom to leave the comfort of his own home way out in Virginia and come over. I pried myself away from (many) Long Islands at a downtown bar and took a cab to my place. As I pulled up, I saw Tom sitting there on my stoop….and definitely not happy about it. (strike one) Then, realizing I had absolutely no money to pay the cabbie, I called him over so he could take care of this little problem. (strike two) When we finally make it inside my house, I don’t even make it out of my fleece (or into the bathroom) before I start vomiting. (strike three) My roommates made it home not long after, and he and I were both passed out (on separate couches) in the living room.

Needless to say, I never saw Tom again after this night. A few weeks later he was then “in a relationship,” at least according to my facebook stalking. And here I am left to wonder why I’m still single. :)


Michelle said...

This is absolutely hilarious. Most of your posts are! One of the reasons why I gave you this award yay!


Unknown said...

a blog award?! it's my first!!!! i'm so excited, thanks michelle!!