Tuesday, November 17, 2009

it's beginning to taste a lot like christmas

Jacky's goal in life is to become famous on the internet via guest blog posts. Did you read her last post about spinning the wheel of bad ideas? If not, you totally should. Thanks for today's blog Jacks, and keep 'em coming (I know you will!):
I was going out on a date with a man I had met two nights before. And by “met” I mean… had shamelessly made out with at a bar while the DJ shouted “get that. get that pussy” over the mic. (for the record, not entirely my fault, its really hard to be over 6 feet tall, make out with a 6’6” man in public and be discreet) Anyway, somehow after that debacle he still seemed to think I was a semi-respectable human being, and he was tall, thus, we were going to go out on an actual date.

There was one problem: I was not at all positive as to what his name was. When he had introduced himself to me it was loud and I was slightly (very) intoxicated. So for the two days leading up to this date my roommates and I merely referred to him as “Sounds Like Daniel.” You would be surprised how many names we came up with that sound like Daniel: Samuel… Nathaniel… Manuel… Spaniel. Then came the “I might not even be remotely close” and “Who goes by ‘Daniel’ anyways?” thoughts.

I figured I could make it through the entire night without needing to know his name, and that, if it went well, there would be another opportunity for me to hear him introduce himself. Back-up plan- check out the driver’s license. Since that’s ALWAYS so smooth. Unfortunately, or maybe not so unfortunately, the date was going amazingly well. We were two hours (and maybe 3 or 4 beers in), and it was just going TOO well for me to not know his name. So I just went for it…”Ummm, I have a confession to make…I’m not 100% sure of your name”

Bam. Collision into the awkward wall. Luckily, I was able to survive the crash, find out his name (it was Daniel!) and sort of regain some dignity by blaming my drunk, goldfish-like memory of the first meeting on the loud music. I even got an “At least you didn’t just try to check out my Driver’s license. Then I totally would have known you were full of shit” response. Whew, glad I didn’t go with plan B. It was about this time when I totally thought we could leave this whole awkward, uncomfortable phase and go back to the easy conversation before I confessed to being a drunk make-out whore. Then he said this: “As long as we’re being honest, I’ve been meaning to ask you ‘What are Christmas mints?’”

I have ABSOLUTELY no idea in hell what Christmas mints are... but obviously there is a reason this man is asking me. “Ummm, why do you ask?” “Well, you told me twice on Friday that I tasted like them, and I’ve been wondering what they are.” Clearly one of two things had happened in my drunken state two nights prior: I was slurring the word “Christmas” or I had forgotten the word for “Candy Cane.” Either way these “options” do not speak very highly of my brain capacity or function and clearly these were not the answers I was going to be giving him. Off I went just yapping away about what ‘Christmas Mints’ were- “Christmas, it has a taste…sort of like peppermint. (blank stare) ya know, like Christmas has a smell- pine trees (more blank stares). I mean, ya know, Christmas! Don’t you celebrate CHRISTMAS?!” (I seriously could not have said Christmas more times in one rant if I tried… and keep in mind it’s June.) His response: “No, I don’t know much about or celebrate Christmas. I’m Jewish.”

Fuck.
In case you’re wondering the taste of ‘Christmas Mints’ can be duplicated by drinking beer and taking shots of Grand Marnier while simultaneously chewing peppermint gum.

4 comments:

Princess Malphaba said...

Oh my gosh. I love reading this blog. Seriously, you crack me up. 1. come on, Jewish people are not isolated from peppermint. WTF.
2. Meeting people in bars is sooo awkward! It's like asking for failure but you always hope there's something more!

Monica said...

hahaha oh my god. i can't stop laughing.

Elizabeth said...

LOL hard. you and her are long lost sisters with the same luck!

j. said...

malphaba - i'm pretty sure that peppermint isn't kosher ;)

monica - that was my exact thinking when i read it. i hope that jacky doesn't steal all my readers if she ever decides to make her own (funnier) blog ha

elizabeth - it's nice to know that i'm not alone in the world!