Tuesday, November 10, 2009

fought the law and the law won

Today's guest blog is brought to you by Nicole. She sent me the cutest email with her submission and I hope that she'll send me some more stories in the future! Thanks Nicole, and now you can say that you've been published after the fourth grade. I hope it makes your mother proud. Enjoy the post everyone, and keep the guest blogs coming! You know where to find me -- over here!
I hadn’t had much experience (or any at all) with one night stands since I had a boyfriend basically from the start of my freshman year of college. So, finding myself free as bird to “test the waters” during my senior year of college I stumbled upon a gem of a man during a weekend visit home to New York. Although he deserves for the world to know his name, I’ll be nice and we’ll just call him the Patent Lawyer.

While out with my friend at our favorite lower east side haunt, in stumbles three 30 or so year old men in suits and wool coats. The red flag should’ve gone up right then and there, but after finding out they graduated from fine institutions such as Stanford and NYU Law our curiosity peaked and we decided it would totally be fine to make plans to hang out in their Upper East Side apartment the next night. Apparently, the blond, cocky one impressed me my making your itty bitty little dog do tricks one took a fancy to me and chatted me up on gchat almost daily for the next 2 months. And of course, every sentence he typed was clearly carefully crafted to make sure I knew JUST how smart and important he was. You bet he slyly let me know exactly how many ridiculous hours he worked at the office. Another red flag. Ok, so I wasn’t exactly interested in him, but who can blame me for being open minded to a guy who was making $200,000 a year (I definitely didn’t look up the salaries at his firm).

So, Mr. smooth-typing Patent Lawyer claims he is super excited to see me when I’m home from school and yet he never called.. only texts. Red flag number 3. He made plans TWICE to meet up with me and canceled BOTH times because he was so busy with work. Fishy, right? Ok so, I should’ve cut off communication right then and there and I take full responsibility for the events that follow.

One night, while out with my sister and our gay friend, I decide it’s a good idea to demand Mr. Patent Lawyer to finally meet up with me. Well, I texted him at 5 and he said he actually could meet up later and that he owes me a drink. Hell yes you do. I didn’t really eat dinner and I started drinking abouttt 7 pm, and being a lightweight to begin with, this was a deadly combination. Gay friend makes sure I am basically absolutely wasted by about 10 pm. Patent Lawyer doesn’t show up til ridiculously late. Abouttttt 7 HOURS. after I text him. At the time that he arrived, I was apologizing for spilling a glass of red wine all over gay friends shirt and literally was seeing double. My loving sister decides that its totally fine to leave me there with him at my drunken insistence.

So, he takes me back to his apartment, and LITERALLY straight upstairs to his room. No small talk, no pretending were not there just to do the deed, how sweet of him. Before we do the deed I definitely recall him putting his cute little dog in a carrier and zipping him in and me protesting. “Don’t worry” he says, the dog LIKES it in there. WHAT? Who are you, you monster?!? THEN, he shows me a text he got from work at 2 am, to show me just how important his job is. After throwing aside his BlackBerry because I can’t read with double vision anyway, I proceed to tell him that no girl will ever want to date him because he works too much. I think he was a little insulted, oops. Last but not least, he tells me how he almost had a mental breakdown when he didn’t get into Harvard law.

If it cant get any better, now the real fun starts. Someone apparently has not lured a girl into his bed in a longgg time, go figure, because he was clearly sexually frustrated. We aka he, as I’m just laying there in a drunken stupor, has sex twice within I’m pretty sure 10 minutes of the first round. After its over, he rolls over to the opposite side of the bed and goes to sleep. He does not touch or look at me all night and the only thing I cuddle all night is his little dog, who somehow harry houdini’d his way out of the carrier “he just loves so much. ” He wakes up at 8 am on a Sunday to go to work and asks me if I want to wait for him to shower or just leave. I'LL GO WITH OPTION TWO PLEASE. We go outside, he gets a cab for me and then still doesn’t make eye contact or say much and doesn’t even reach in to give me a hug goodbye. So I, feeling severely awkward, go, uhh I guess.. I'll give u a hug goodbye. “We’ll talk soon” he says. Needless to say, I never hear from him again.

Wait, just kidding, 5 months later, GUESS WHO FRIENDS ME ON FACEBOOK. JUST GUESS. Don’t worry, I didn’t accept. And btw, he never bought me that drink he promised.

Moral of the story: lawyers are sly creepy evil people and I will never feign interest in one again.

Good thing I’m headed off to law school next year.

No comments: