Friday, November 27, 2009

fact - family holidays can kill

So how was my Thanksgiving, you ask? Oh please, allow me to tell you. After I almost stopped breathing and my mom gave me expired drugs I have to say that I was a bit worried about what the rest of the day would hold for me. Little did I know..

Here's a quick run-down of who was present yesterday: My immediate family (mom, dad, two brothers), my aunt, cousin, my dad's friend, grandpa and my poppy. Oh right, also present was poppy's crazy girlfriend, Audrey. So Audzilla (as we fondly call her..) and my dad's friend, we'll call him Bill, were talking about the food, the day, whatever. I'm sort of half listening until Bill yells "Food is evil!" and in a lower voice, in Audzilla's direction, "What I need in life is less food and more sex."

Homeboy say whaaa?

And Audzilla is all "Well you just need to find a nice girl" to which Bill replies, "Well that would imply that I'm looking for a relationship.. I could go for something a little more... casual."

At this point the chunks are basically rising in my throat. I know that I should walk, no run, away, but it's like a car accident. You. just. can't. walk. away.

Audrey comes out with the brilliant, "Well it's hard these days, with disease and THE AIDS and all of that." Bill just laughs and says "I'm really just looking for someone who's fit and good looking. And like I said, if she's looking for more than sex I'm probably not interested.."

Then I knew I had to get up. Because if I stayed for one second longer then I would probably just never be able to have sex again without some disturbing mental image.

After everyone left I made sure to tell my family the story. I think I got a little too involved in my story-telling because I sort of yelled out "I may have to be celibate for the rest of my life after hearing that conversation." My dad looked at me and said "Wait, YOU'RE NOT A VIRGIN?!" I looked him dead in the eyes and said "Virgin until marriage." I barely got the words out of my mouth before he laughed and said "YEA SURE" and walked out of the room.

Can't wait for what's in store for me on Christmas!

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