Tuesday, October 6, 2009

fire hydrant theory

Let's talk about the Fire Hydrant Theory.

I came up with this theory during freshman year of college. You know how dogs pee on fire hydrants (and other things) when they know that other dogs have been there? Well it's the same way with dating. Women are the proverbial fire hydrants, and men are the urinating dogs. Have you ever noticed that you can be single for years and NOTHING on the dating front. When you finally start seeing someone, that's when the men come out of the woodwork to tell you how they've always had a crush on you, how they have to take you out on a date, or how they have been in love with you since the 6th grade.

My most recent ex and I broke up in January 2008 and I made a really big effort to meet people and date as much as possible. The results were mixed -- some were great and some were.. not so great, thus the basis for the blog (aren't you all so grateful for that?!). Of course now that I'm dating someone the Fire Hydrant Theory (FHT) comes into play. I've been officially not-single for almost two months now, and I haven't really been out at the bars all that much. Between work, half marathon training and summer traveling, it just wasn't on my list of things to do.

A couple of weekends ago I was out with one of my good friends, Slouis. We have a pretty spotty track record when it comes to drinking. And by spotty I mean we always manage to drink way too much, way too quickly when we're together. Many a college night was spent at the Avenue in Allston, drinking dollar drafts until we could barely make it the three blocks to my apartment. Anyway, I digress..

After delicious margaritas at Cactus Club, and sub par vodka sodas at Dillons, we move to the Landsdowne Pub. The drinks are a bit of a blur, I do remember a free Captain and Coke, and somehow I was duped into doing a Jagerbomb. I'm standing by the bar because it's crowded and Sara and I want to be able to get drinks quickly (priorities, obviously). To my left is a dude who tells me that I should wear my hair down because he "loves a girl with curly locks" and that he's a regular at the bars in Fenway if I'm ever interested in a drink. Hmmm, no thanks friend. I turn to my right and strike up a conversation with a guy who knows Sara's friend. He seems harmless and we're chatting about where I work, where I went to school, where I live, boring stuff like that. He asks me if I have a boyfriend and he seems a bit disappointed when I say yes. He proceeds to spend the rest of the night telling me that I'm "unconventionally beautiful and bosomy".

I don't remember the last time I was hit on aggressively by one, let alone two men in one night. That, my friends, is the Fire Hydrant Theory, and I dare you all to prove that it is not 100% correct.


Anonymous said...

It's not just girls : Chris Rock has a hilarious bit about the same thing from a guys' perspective. You're presumably unattainable and happier, thus more attractive to others.

Unknown said...

Whoa, Chris Rock totally stole my theory! :)

Mrs. Match said...

That's so true. I dated this guy on and off for years (Best Friend) and he'd never admit that we were a couple. Recently he met my boyfriend and I swear he practically PEED all over me, going on and on about how we used to be a couple. Please!!

Unknown said...

haha I just laughed out loud at the visual of an ex actually lifting his leg and peeing on a woman!

Anonymous said...

nice post. thanks.