Tuesday, August 25, 2009

spun the wheel of bad ideas

I'm posting this early because 1. I know that some people enjoy it and 2. I have an off-site staff retreat today. All. Day. Long. Whenever I mention it to my friends they ask if I'm going to be doing a ropes course or trust falls. The answer is NO. Hell, that would mean that the retreat was somewhat amusing. It's basically eight hours of team building, problem solving, and the most important: doodling my name over and over again. Please, readers, scale back on the jealousy, it's just really not an attractive personality trait to possess.

Today's guest blog will be the fourth that has been brought to you by one of my pledge sisters. I think that this should solidify our place as the best class to ever be initiated. Or maybe it just meant that we drank too much. Potato, potahto. This story is brought to you by Jacky, whose bosom I spent three years of college resting my head upon. This is because I'm only 5'3" and she's.. well.. way taller than me. So Jacks, this one is dedicated to you, your boobs, and your lack of shame. Welcome to the club of those who have "spun the wheel of bad ideas" and lost. Here goes:

So there’s this ex of mine. Whenever I return to Boston, we always end up drunkenly making out; It’s just what we do. However, unfortunately, he’s a huge douche. And I occasionally get more angry drunk at him than necessary. So one particular angry drunk evening, he is being a very unacceptable version of asshole and just ups and leaves me at his friend’s apartment, without the requisite drunk make-out I must add!

So what does any normal, self-respecting girl do after an all-day pub golf game, dollar drafts and a bottle of wine? She decides to have angry revenge sex with his friend Adam. This seemed like an AMAZING idea at the time. It was all going quite well considering the circumstances. That is, until he says, mid-thrust: “Is this better than Joseph (the ex) does it?!” Uhhhh, talk about a serious buzz kill, and just about the last thing I ever want to hear when someone’s penis is inside me! I mumbled some ridiculously ego inflating in response, and kept on trucking.

Fast forward to the morning when I wake up completely hungover, overwhelmed by that “what the fuck did I do?!” feeling, and not to mention mortified. When I come back to the bedroom after attempting to decrust my face and find my dignity in the bathroom, Adam is actually lying there, head in hands, muttering “oh shit oh shit oh shit….” I quickly realize that it is definitely time to get the hell out! So what do I, the most awkward human being alive, do? Walk over to him, say “It was really great seeing you again Adam!” and give him a HIGH FIVE. Because that’s obviously the most logical way to handle the situation.

Needless to say, I’ve never seen him again.


Elizabeth said...

BAHAHahahha! this is great. many laughs out loud while reading...

jill said...

hahaha i was in our hotel room... that you paid for but rarely slept in that trip :)

jacky you are my hero.