Sunday, July 5, 2009

god bless america.

Here's my independence day blog. Sorry it's a day late. I spent the entire weekend eating, drinking and sleeping. I think that's how our forefathers would have wanted it that way. Two years ago I spent the Fourth of July with my ex. You know, he's the one who peed on my foot in the shower. So anyway, I spent the day with him and his friends and we all got pretty drunk. After a solid ten hours of drinking, a failed attempt to see some fireworks, and a blackout, we decided to head to his room.

A little backstory here: he lived (lives, as far as I know) with his very conservative Catholic parents. Whenever I spent the night I had to sleep in the guest room on the most uncomfortable foam mattress ever. Obviously this was to ensure his virginity until marriage. Duh. On this very drunk night we didn't seem to care about his God-fearing parents and started doing.. well.. you know what. I had every intention of banishing myself to the foam mattress from hell after but the alcohol got the best of me and I ended up passing out in his bed.

I left the next morning before his parents were awake and thought nothing of the entire evening. I came back that night so that we could go to the movies. I went into his room and closed the door so he could change. The next thing I know, both of his parents essentially knock the door off it's hinges and are yelling "I THOUGHT WE TOLD YOU NOT TO CLOSE THIS DOOR EVER AGAIN." Apparently while I was gone they had gotten into a huge argument about what had transpired the night before.

I had to sit there for the next twenty minutes while his father explained that they don't know what sort of behavior I engaged in while in my own apartment, but that they just couldn't allow that sort of behavior under their roof. This behavior is acceptable to other people, but not them. By the end of this awkward, awkward encounter, I would have been happy never to hear the word behavior ever again. Apparently I was the only one who had exhibited poor judgment and engaged in inappropriate, what's the word I'm looking for? Oh right. Behavior. The way they were talking, you would think I was having sex with the Pope. Part of me wanted to scream NEWS FLASH -- YOUR SON WAS NOR EVEN CLOSE TO BEING A VIRGIN WHEN I MET HIM.

So Independence Day fail is when your boyfriend's parents hear you engaging in some behavior that is apparently morally reprehensible and worthy of death by hanging. What's even better is when they ignore the fact that it takes two to tango and basically call you a whore to your face.

Yea can't say I miss that relationship, or his parents, very much.

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