Monday, June 8, 2009

do i look like i care?

People love telling me their life story. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I have a friendly face, or because I smile a lot and it gives the impression that I care. It's probably because I lack the ability to get myself out of conversations. Whether it be on the phone, online or in person, This often leads to me having in-depth conversations with strangers when all I want to do in life is just go to the bathroom before my bladder explodes and kills me.

My freshman year of college I had planned to go home for Columbus Day weekend. In an effort to think ahead my parents had bought me tickets in advance for the Delta Shuttle. My mom decided that she'd keep the return portion of the ticket so that I wouldn't lose it. That would have been a great idea, had the packet said "DO NOT SEPARATE TICKETS!!" Since I couldn't get on the plane, I tried to buy a ticket on the Greyhound bus that was leaving from campus. The girl in front of me bought the last ticket. FML.

After crying for an hour on the stoop in front of my dorm, my mom called and told me to jump in a cab RIGHT NOW to South Station to get on the train. By the time I got there I was in the most beastly mood ever. All I wanted to do was seethe and nap. The lady next to me decided that my body language meant "HEY! I WANT TO HEAR ALL ABOUT YOUR DIVORCE, INCONTINENCE AND WEIGHT PROBLEMS!". She talked for the entire train ride, and with delays that was about 6 hours. I tried everything to get her to stop, going to the bathroom, opening my book, turning away from her, nothing worked. I even tried to pretend to go to sleep and she just. wouldn't. shut. up. I actually shed tears of pure joy when we finally arrived at Port Authority.

So last week I was at Cosi to pick up lunch for a very hardworking coworker of mine. When asked if I wanted white or wheat bread for the sandwich I hesitated. I explained that it was for my friend and I didn't know what she wanted. She then replied "Weellll, if she don't like it, then tell her to order for herself next time. Mhmmm." I told her that my coworker was working and that I was doing her a favor.

Then she opened her mouth and I swear that she did not stop or take a break for at least sixty seconds. She said: "So my son graduated from highschool yesterday so my husband and I took him to the casino. We got home really last last night and gawwwddd am I tired. Let me tell you, if he asks me to cook dinner when I get home, I'm just going to say 'are you craaaazy? Are your arms broke? You know where the kitchen is, go make yourself some toast.' Man, I tell ya, husbands are so freakin' useless."

At this point there's about 10 angry people behind me waiting for their orders to be taken. I'm holding my credit card out to her, hoping that she'll snap out of whatever man hating trance she's managed to fall into. At this point a manager of some sort has to come over to tell her to stop talking and continue taking orders. If this amazing woman were to come to me asking for my first born child, I would do it. That's how thankful I am for being released from that situation.

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