Monday, March 30, 2009

i just really like pizza

I had ACL reconstructive surgery very early in the morning on May 31st, 2005. I am so nervous that I spend the entire night tossing and turning. I manage to fall asleep for a miniscule amount of time so when my mom comes into my room to tell me to wake up I am a tired, cranky mess.

When I wake up I am thirsty. So thirsty. Like being stranded in the desert and haven't had water for weeks thirsty. My mom reminds me that I cannot have any food or water because of the anesthesia. Since, at this point I am a very mature 21 year old, my first reaction is obviously to cry. Hysterically. I throw myself on the floor and tell my mom that I'm going to die of dehydration and she just ignores me. Well played, mother.

Somehow my parents manage to calm me down and prevent me from swallowing tons of my own spit in an attempt to quench my thirst. Next thing I know we're in the hospital and I'm being told that I have to take off my clothing. All of it. Wait, what? I cannot wear underwear into surgery? But there's no metal in it. And I haven't shaved. I wasn't aware that I needed to go get a bikini wax before surgery. Apparently I missed that chapter in the Prim Lady's Guide to Surgery. Next they mark up my knees. The right knee gets THIS ONE and the left knee gets lots of X's and a NO. Wow, how sophisticated.

Finally the nurse comes out and tells me that they're ready to begin. My parents hug and kiss me and tell me they love me and instead of saying the same I tell my dad "I'm gonna need a pizza after this is all over, okay?" What can I say? I have my priorities straight. So I go into the OR and hop up on the table. They have to prep my knee some more so the nurse rolls up my gown and I can literally feel my lady bits being put on display. After a few times of her rolling up the gown and me pushing it back down she leans over to me and says "Don't worry honey, I won't let them see your vagina." Oh, gee. Thanks.

So recap.. It's the asscrack of dawn, I am thirsty, hungry, completely naked in a hospital gown that doesn't seem to close all the way, with my girly parts out for everyone in the operating room to see. Just when I think it can't get any worse, my surgeon walks in. And he is gorgeous. And my vag is hanging out. And just as the anesthesia hits me I remember saying "I really like your booties." (the medical booties that everyone has to wear in the OR).

I wake up from surgery and the first thing that comes to mind is "Oh my god, my parents deserted me at at the hospital." Between that irrational fear and the shock of coming out of surgery, I am inconsolable. Not only that, my entire body is shaking and they have to cover me in warmed blankets. Finally my parents come in and my dad says "Hi baby! welcome back." He puts his hand on my leg and I start crying all over again. My parents are thoroughly freaked and ask if I'm in pain and I just cry and yell "I'M PARALYZED. I CAN'T FEEL MY LEG." It takes the nurse and my parents a good fifteen minutes to convince me that I cannot feel my leg because of a nerve block, not paralysis.

After an hour or so of coming out of anesthesia I finally start to calm down. I'm sure the two percocets didn't hurt. It's a pretty routine surgery, and it's outpatient, so I was only in recovery for a couple of hours. Eventually my dad asks me if I'm ready to head home and get some rest.

I look at him straight in the face and say "Yea, but what about that pizza...?"

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

this post definitely reminded me of my surgery.

When i was 16 i had shoulder surgery and when the nurse was trying to wake me up from the anesthesia she kept telling "stop trying to fight it sweetie" and i had no idea what she was talking about... apparently i kept trying to punch her in the face using the arm i just had shoulder surgery on. haha.