Thursday, March 19, 2009

the art of the booty call

Back in February 2007, I was very casually seeing Paul Bunyan. We called him that because one night when I ran into him at an Allston bar after a year of not speaking. In that time he had grown the most grotesque beard I've ever laid eyes on. Thus, Paul Bunyon was born. The problem came from the fact that he would call me, ridiculously drunk at all hours of the night. Getting a call at 3:30 am on a Tuesday doesn't exactly scream "I want to be in a relationship with you," so I eventually just stopped picking up his calls entirely. However, one good thing did come out of it - the Booty Call Commandments. Read, learn, and enjoy.

Booty Call Commandments
written by GOD (through Jessie and Mere):

1. Thou shalt not call for booty during the week except for Thursdays or Mondays of a three-day weekend.

2. Thou shalt not call before 9 pm, but thou shall not call later than 1 am.

3. Drunk texting is allowed at anytime during the week, but thou shalt be prepared to accept any and all consequences said texting results in, up to and including a relationship.

4. It is acceptable to call someone thou has not spoken to for over a year, however, if said person does not respond by the morning, thou shalt erase said number from thy phone.

5. Thou shalt never cry over a booty call, and if thou does cry - the entire arrangement must be terminated and said booty-call must be deleted from thy phone.

6. If any personal items are left at said booty call's home, thou has 3 days to retrieve said items before it becomes another booty call

7. If thou does not remember calling said booty call, or any events that occurred thereafter, it is perfectly acceptable to pretend that said booty call never actually occurred.

8. Thou shalt never covet a friend's booty-call

9. Pre-booty call inebriation is acceptable. However, going over "the line" will inevitably result in
bad sex and will therefore serve as punishment to said drunk individual

10. If thy friend's booty call comes as a package deal, thou shalt take one "for the team."

2 comments:

Elizabeth said...

ahhhh classic. yet, so true.

A. said...

I can attest to the need for #10 (pretty much every Thursday-Monday of college- thank you Mere)and #3