Tuesday, March 31, 2009

2 out of 8,000,000. FAIL.

Thank you to Countess Crackerjacks* for providing this hilarious story. It just goes to show you, that even if you live in a city with 8 million other people, you will ALWAYS run into your ex and his new girlfriend. Fact. And if you're Jewish, the likelihood of you running into them in Israel at some point over a summer or winter, the chances jump to just about 100%. Fact. Here goes --

Alright. Here's a serious fuck my life moment.

I dated a uniquely disposed ginger fellow named George Washington* (due to the phallic shape of his head and body). For four years.

We don’t speak. Ever.

We broke up in December(ish) of 2004 and saw each other face to face in June of 2005 post break up for about 15 minutes. Then, in the fall of 2005 after months of completely not speaking, he emailed me. What could this be? I wondered, as I opened the message. It was a naked and erect picture of his penis, sent at 4 am, on a Saturday night with no subject line or text. He doesn't remember doing this.

I could have sent to his girlfriend (who I used to be very close with in high school, while he and I were dating). Did I mention they live together now? But I didn’t. Because I'm a decent human being.

Next time I saw him was in June of 2006. I was in Israel. I had no idea, but he was in Israel at the same time as well. Somehow, for some reason, we ended up in Tel Aviv on two coinciding nights. We also happened to be in the same hotel. We discovered this as i was unpacking.

I hear George Washington's voice, I tell my roommates.
Impossible, they say.
Little did I know, on the other side of the wall..
I think I hear Countess Crackerjacks* shrieking, George Washington said.
Impossible, they say.
after several pre-clurrrbing cocktails, we decided to knock on the adjoining wall and see who our boisterous neighbors were.

It was George Washington. Later, he asked if he could cup a boob. I politely declined as he said just as well, Because he was madly in love with his girlfriend, said friend of mine from high school.

Did I mention THEY LIVE TOGETHER AND ARE STILL DATING?

We didn’t speak again for about 2 years, until February of 2008, when we happened to be at the same party. In true form, I drank and took Xanax that night. I didn't know he planned on attending the same party. He arrived at the party with said girlfriend JUST as the paramedics were peeling me off the dance floor. FAIL.

It's now May 2008. I'm walking down the street with my friend on the Upper East Side, when I see a lumbering ginger in the distance. No. He lives in queens. NO I SAY. But yes. T’was George Washington, and his camel-toe'd bride. When she saw me she tripped over a crack in the side walk and fell flat on her face. FAIL FOR HER.

June 2008. I am apartment hunting on the lower east side when I get a text from a number I don't recognize

"Are you walking down East Houston right now?"
(I was) Me: Who is this?
George Washington: It’s George Washington.
Me: Yes.....why?

George Washington: I can see you from my window. Martha* and I live in The Red Square.
---- The Red Square is directly next to the building that housed the apartment Ginny and I were going to sign the lease to. I fled. I now live in a 6'x8' room in South Williamsburg with no closets. FAIL. Also, why was George Washington perched, midday, at his window, looking at the street below?

Still no talking. He emailed me this past fall to tell me he reads my blog and enjoys it. He's sorry to hear about what happened to me in London. That's nice George Washington.

No more contact after that.

Until just 5 seconds ago. I get THIS gchat message from him:

George Washington: Hello, I am sending you something I wrote.. I’m at a loss for how to finish it, and suggestions are welcome.
I don't answer, as I am indeed busy and don't realize who George Washington on my gchat could be, seeing as we DON'T SPEAK AND ALL.

George Washington: apparently you're busy, don't make it a priority.

Upon opening the attachment, which at first I was concerned was another picture of his member, I was faced with a three page long fiction Craigslist ad he penned while home alone, not working, whilst one would be left to assume Martha was out making the bacon. It was a story about him posting a craigslist ad for a male bathing partner and the correspondence that would develop between them. He wanted my opinion on an ending. The last line he wrote was "and then Stu showed up at the door..."

WHY WOULD I BE THE AUTHORITY ON FINISHING A FAKE CRAIGSLIST AD WRITTEN BY MY UNEMPLOYED EX-BOYFRIEND ABOUT TWO MEN BATHING TOGETHER.

The end.


**All names have been changed to protect the identity of the guest blogger, obviously.

2 comments:

Elizabeth said...

wow. no words could sum up what's going through my head right now.

Dan Mihaliak said...

Wow what an ending!