Friday, February 27, 2009

my future husband?

I know that I normally blog about awful dates, sexcapades gone wrong, and my dysfunctional relationships, but this story is slightly different. I shall call this one Paris Hilton, and he's an OKCupid lad from back in September. We never met in person, but in two conversations, Paris proved himself to be one of the biggest douchebags I've ever (almost) met. The first conversation was fine, but the next time Paris started asking me all sorts of personal questions such as whether or not I've ever taken nudes of myself, what my fetishes/fantasies were, etc. Being the lady that I am, I told him that I wasn't comfortable discussing that with someone that I barely knew. Little did I know how uncomfortable I would soon be...

Somehow we started talking about politics, the upcoming presidential election, and abortion. Fine, fine - I've always liked to debate. I understand that not everyone will share my political beliefs. However, when I asked him what his thoughts were on gay and lesbian rights and he replied "I've fooled around with a guy before", I didn't really know what to respond. I mean, it's just not the sort of thing I had expected as a response. He then went on to explain that he wasn't bisexual, and that it was simply a "hot fetish".. but would I ever be into a scene like that? For someone who claimed not to be bisexual, he sure did ask me a lot if I'd ever be interested in trying it out. The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

The conversation quickly spiraled out of control and until Paris eventually accused me of being closed minded because I said that I wasn't really willing to have a threesome with two guys (or at all, for that matter). He then went one step further and told me that I was judgmental, and that he hadn't been serious about it. Paris claimed he was testing me, because society has such a stigma against men engaging in sexual activities with other men. He wanted to see how open-minded I really was. Since this had quickly become the most absurd conversation of my life, I took the opportunity to tell Paris that maybe I wasn't as open-minded as he may like, but at least I'm honest with others and myself. He asked If I was still interested in meeting at some point. Ha, he couldn't have been serious, right? Oh wait, he was. I told him that I didn't need to meet an asshole bisexual-in-denial for coffee, drinks, or anything.. EVER.

I thought that he'd gotten the hint, but I should have known that he'd be incredibly dense. Three weeks later he imed me after I returned from a night out with my friends:
Paris Hilton: hi hun
Jessie: hi
Paris Hilton: wat u doin
Jessie: just got home. getting ready for bed
Paris Hilton: u horny?
Jessie: nope, pretty much just exhausted

What was it about our previous conversation would lead him to think that I wanted to talk to him, and more than that that I wanted to engage in sexytime talk with him at 3:30 in the morning?? I thought I was rid of him for good, until I signed into OKCupid today and he imed me tonight to say "so are you ignoring me or something?" Fuuuuuucckkkk. If he ever contacts me again I'm just going to send him this picture and pray that he finally gets the freaking hint:


Anonymous said...

OMG I can't even tell you the number of guys I met online that tried that same shit with me... its like, dude, ask me how my day was, not if I'm horny!

dogimo said...

It's not that far-out, apart from the weird way he broached it. Having an 'in' with a hot, open-minded chick is a great way to get next to the straight dude you've had your eye on!

Surely there's nothing dishonest or otherwise not straightforward about that. You could do a screenplay on the topic. I guess in theory, it could even be an interesting "meet cute" premise for a Romantic Comedy:

"Well, we met in a three-way. Turns out the other guy was more gay than otherwise, but Bert and I really hit it off!"

Unknown said...

joe - well in that case i'm going to dig up his number and marry the hell out of him!

dogimo said...

No way no way no way - don't do it! It's the guy who would have been the 3rd wheel in the 3-way, that's whose number you need.

The guy proposing the thing is always the gayer of the two dudes. He's using you to get to this other guy - but you can flip that equation straight to your own benefit!

All we know is, the guy you're after, his name is apparently Bert. Is that going to be a problem?

Unknown said...

i had no idea how much this situation could benefit me. wow, joe, i need to keep you around, i think. you could come in handy.

oh, and i'm totally okay with the bert thing. it's like some twisted sesame street fantasy. yea i just went there.